Dear George...

Dear George,

I am terribly sorry to hear about your break up with Elisabetta. She seemed like a lovely girl. Rumor has it that her interest in getting married is what got in the way of your relationship, a problem I think I have the perfect remedy for:

I am already married.

Really, it is beautiful. Marc won’t have a problem with this arrangement as you are number 1 on my “Celebrity Hall Pass” list and have already been pre-approved. If by chance his feathers do get ruffled, we can introduce him to Scarlett Johanssen and all will be well. You’ll like him, by the way- I can totally see you two playing basketball and being best buds. No “Indecent Propsal”- like jealously here!

I offer the following qualifications for this role:

-I eat Italian fluently
-I think I look good on a Harley, not that I’ve been on one before
-I am from New Jersey and therefore have mad driving skills for avoiding paparazzi
-I think your dad might actually be more handsome than you are
-I totally support your Sudan work and I would be a delightful First Lady of Save Darfur
-I loved Ocean’s Twelve and will not let anyone talk me out of it

One thing we should discuss is children. I already have two little beauties, but I firmly believe that your refusal to have children is simply unacceptable. Your genes are spectacular. To not pass them along would be a travesty. At a minimum I hope you are donating anonymously to sperm banks around the globe, but I would also be happy to have one or two little Georges and raise them all by myself. I’ll even give them mini-Caesar haircuts like back when you were Dr. Doug on ER. Can you imagine anything cuter? Didn’t think so.

I don’t need a whole lotta money, just use of the Lake Como pad from time to time and like $300,000 a year. I don’t need to go to the Oscars and parties and whatnot, we can sit at home and watch your Batman movie where your costume has the molded man-nipples and eat pizza. I have no interest in talking to Us Weekly. Our relationship will strictly be between you, me, and the eight people who read my blog.

Also, I am a tall brunette, which seems to be your particular cup of tea, so I have that going for me. And I love Kentucky. And your Aunt Rosemary was the coolest.
Should you have any questions regarding my additional qualifications for this role, please email me.

Much Love,
Siobhan