Sunday, June 26, 2011

Dear George...

Dear George,

I am terribly sorry to hear about your break up with Elisabetta. She seemed like a lovely girl. Rumor has it that her interest in getting married is what got in the way of your relationship, a problem I think I have the perfect remedy for:

I am already married.

Really, it is beautiful. Marc won’t have a problem with this arrangement as you are number 1 on my “Celebrity Hall Pass” list and have already been pre-approved. If by chance his feathers do get ruffled, we can introduce him to Scarlett Johanssen and all will be well. You’ll like him, by the way- I can totally see you two playing basketball and being best buds. No “Indecent Propsal”- like jealously here!

I offer the following qualifications for this role:

-I eat Italian fluently
-I think I look good on a Harley, not that I’ve been on one before
-I am from New Jersey and therefore have mad driving skills for avoiding paparazzi
-I think your dad might actually be more handsome than you are
-I totally support your Sudan work and I would be a delightful First Lady of Save Darfur
-I loved Ocean’s Twelve and will not let anyone talk me out of it

One thing we should discuss is children. I already have two little beauties, but I firmly believe that your refusal to have children is simply unacceptable. Your genes are spectacular. To not pass them along would be a travesty. At a minimum I hope you are donating anonymously to sperm banks around the globe, but I would also be happy to have one or two little Georges and raise them all by myself. I’ll even give them mini-Caesar haircuts like back when you were Dr. Doug on ER. Can you imagine anything cuter? Didn’t think so.

I don’t need a whole lotta money, just use of the Lake Como pad from time to time and like $300,000 a year. I don’t need to go to the Oscars and parties and whatnot, we can sit at home and watch your Batman movie where your costume has the molded man-nipples and eat pizza. I have no interest in talking to Us Weekly. Our relationship will strictly be between you, me, and the eight people who read my blog.

Also, I am a tall brunette, which seems to be your particular cup of tea, so I have that going for me. And I love Kentucky. And your Aunt Rosemary was the coolest.
Should you have any questions regarding my additional qualifications for this role, please email me.
Much Love,


  1. is it strange that after reading through all of that, my first reaction is "you love Kentucky" ???????

  2. Kentucky has horses, fried chicken and bourbon. What's not to love??